


Miracle

by confusedkittycat



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I Don't Even Know, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Michael Mell Needs a Hug, Mommy Issues, Oblivious Jeremy Heere, Pining, Protective Michael, Road Trips, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Slow To Update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2020-05-30 17:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19408360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confusedkittycat/pseuds/confusedkittycat
Summary: Jeremy's mom contacts his dad with a special request: she wants Jeremy to spend the summer with her. But how could Jeremy leave his best friend for two whole months? Turns out he won't have to.Or: Michael is in love and Jeremy still can't see it, even after a road trip.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own these characters don't sue me
> 
> I'm still working on the rest of this, there will be more.

Jeremy pulled up the driveway in his dad's minivan. Sure it was kind of lame, to take a girl on a date with his dad's car, but it was all he had. 

This was his third date with Christine. Although he was less anxious about going out to lunch with her this time, Jeremy still had no idea what he was doing. This was the first actual relationship he’d ever been in. Was it? They hadn't talked about labels yet. 

“Stop it. She likes you. Breathe. It's going to be fine. You're fine,” Jeremy told himself. He took a deep breath and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. 

He opened the car door and got out onto the pavement. Christine lived in a nice neighborhood. The kind of neighborhood where the bushes were always trimmed and the flowers were always in bloom. His phone buzzed. 

Oh god. Maybe it was Christine. Was she sick? Tired of spending time with him? Maybe she didn't actually like him, and this had all been some sort of sick joke. 

He was almost too scared to look, but he thought it would be even more embarrassing to go knock on the door when Christine had just texted him. 

It was Michael. 

Player One - Good luck

Jeremy breathed out a sigh of relief. Not Christine, but Michael. If he was being honest, things had been rough between them recently. Things had never really gotten back to normal after the squip incident. They were trying, though. Michael’s friendship meant everything to him. He put his phone back in his pocket without answering. 

Alrighty, let's get this date going. Last time he rang the doorbell. It was probably safe to do that again. He walked up the steps to the cement porch.

ding dong. 

He heard footsteps on the other side of the door, right before it opened. Christine stood on the other side. 

She looks pretty, He thought. Maybe he should tell her. Do girls like that?

“You, uh, you look nice.” Great, Jeremy. It's been thirty seconds and you're already being weird. Chill out. 

Oh, no. He didn't mean to think that. That word, chill, brought back some bad memories. It had been two weeks, and he still got nightmares every time he tried to sleep. 

“Jer? Are you ok?” Jer? That's what Michael calls him. Or called him. 

He blinked until his vision focused on Christine in her Paisley dress. 

“What? Oh, sorry. I guess I just got lost in thought.” He offered a half smile. 

Christine's eyebrows got lower. “Are you sure you're ok? You look upset,” she said.

Jeremy couldn't tell her what was bothering her. She probably wouldn't understand. Wait, what? He used to think Christine would understand everything. When did that change?

“Yeah, I'm good,” he replied. “Ready to go?” This was really awkward.

She smiled. “I'm ready, let's go.” She looked past him and saw his dad's car. “Nice.”

“Yeah. Last time I drove Michael's car.” 

Jeremy hopped down the steps and then started the van. Christine climbed into the passenger seat.

“Really? He must really trust you,” Christine replied while buckling her seatbelt.

They pulled out of the driveway, and Jeremy took a left out of the subdivision. “Yeah.  
He's...Something.”

The movie theater was only a short drive, and that's why they decided to go there for their third date. Jeremy also liked the movies because it didn't involve much talking.

If he was honest with himself, it was nice. He didn't know anything about any of the things Christine was interested in. He could talk about video games with Michael for hours on end. Music theater and old literature? He had no idea.

They were seeing the new live action Aladdin. It wasn't really Jeremy's thing, but Christine was really excited. They got to the theater just in time to see the previews. 

“...and I can't wait, because have you ever seen Andrew Rannells? And The Prom is one of my favorite new musicals,” Christine was saying.

Jeremy just nodded along, making a mental reminder to look up Aaron Renelds later. He was trying to watch the previews.

***

After the movie, all Christine wanted to talk about was the music and the actors. Jeremy never wanted to hear about A Whole New World ever again. 

They had decided to go to lunch in the same mall as the theater, because it was easy. They got a booth, and sat on the opposite sides.

Christine ordered grilled chicken salad. Jeremy ordered a hamburger. He sat and ate. Christine talked, with her mouth full, about some other show she really wanted to see. (Ew) 

He wished he was at Michael's playing video games, before he remembered how weird things were between them. Maybe he should fix it. He could go over later, bring popcorn. Apologize again. He couldn't deal with this. Fighting with Michael was a nightmare. 

They weren't even fighting. It just wasn't normal, and it was eating him up inside. His fight with Michael was all he could think about.

“Hey, Jer,” Christine started, “are you sure you're ok?”

That name again. It felt weird when Christine called him that. Even though Jeremy knew it was completely ridiculous, it was like an invasion. Michael was the person on the planet allowed to call him that. 

“Jeremy!” Christine yelled. 

He was snapped out of his train of thought. Christine was awfully loud. Jeremy looked around at the other people in the food court. He saw a group of three girls and they were all staring at him and Christine. An elderly woman shook her head in disappointment. He turned red.

“What?” Jeremy snapped. Why was she always in his business? 

“I think we should take you home, you don't look well.”

Jeremy instantly felt terrible for thinking bad about Christine. She never did anything to him, she just wanted to help. 

“oh. yeah.” 

“Alright. Wait, I can pay for my own food,” she offered. 

“I can- I can get it.” Jeremy was nervous. He had enough money, so why did she want to buy her own food? This was a date, right?

“No, let me.” Christine put ten dollars on the table and stood up before he could argue. 

The walk out to Jeremy's Dad's van was quiet. Ok, maybe it was a little awkward. This whole date had been awkward. They got in, and Jeremy started to drive Christine back home. 

When he pulled in the driveway and stopped the car, Christine didn't get out. Jeremy stared at the steering wheel. 

“Listen, Jer-”

“It's Jeremy,” He interrupted. 

“I’m sorry,” Christine said. “I don't think…I don't think this is going to work. I mean us.”

“What?” Jeremy was stunned. He gaped at Christine. He knew that this date was Kind of off, but he'd never guessed that she would break up with him. Were they even dating officially? They'd never talked about it.

Christine covered her face with one of her hands. “Look, Jeremy. I like you. But we have nothing in common. We don't even like any of the same things.”

Jeremy was unable to speak. Here was this girl he had liked since, as long as he could remember, and she was telling him that she didn't want to go out with him. He had done so many things, suffered so much, just so she might like him. 

And then, the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened. Jeremy's eyes started to tear up. He wasn't really sad, he thought. Just panicked. Oh no, not now. Not right in front of his crush. 

“Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Are you ok? What can I do? What's happening?” Christine started to freak out. 

“I just...I just need to go home.” He could barely get the words out. “Can, umm..”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'll just, umm, go then. Bye. Thanks for the movie. And going to lunch with me. Bye. I’ll see you at school.” Christine scrambled out of the car. 

Jeremy slumped down in his seat. How did this turn out so bad? He started to drive. He didn't know where he was going, only that he needed to be far, far away from Christine's home.


	2. Ice cream and tears the musical

Somehow, Jeremy ended up at Michael's house. Maybe it was instinct. He lived close enough to Christine that some of the roads were the same. 

He sat in the driveway for a solid 5 minutes before deciding to go up to the house. There were lots of things to consider. Was Michael still angry with him? He hadn't said he was, but they had only talked twice in the two weeks since the squip incident. 

Michael's moms were also home. He could see both of their cars in the garage, and because the garage was open, he knew Michael was home. 

When they were little, before they had phones and could text each other, they would leave their garage doors open. It was a signal to the other that they were home and not busy. 

Jeremy also hadn't talked to Michael's moms. He knew that they knew about the squip because Michael told them everything. Michael's moms were the closest thing to having a mother figure Jeremy had had since sixth grade.

They might never forgive him for leaving their son in the bathroom at the Halloween party. He didn't know what he would do without Rosa's cooking and Charlotte's advice. 

Eventually, he got out of the car. If his subconscious brought him to his best friend's house, he was here for a reason, right? Jeremy knocked on the inside garage door. He never used to knock before, but it seemed like the thing to do. 

Rosa answered the door, and smiled wide when she saw it was Jeremy. She had on jeans and comfy-looking hoodie. There was either powdered sugar or flour on her sleeve. 

“Jeremy, you don't need to knock. Come in! We've been wondering when you would drop by.” Rosa waved him inside. “Michael's in the basement. Char and I were just about to go get groceries. Have fun.”

Jeremy was so lucky to have her. He nodded and gave Rosa a strained smile. Then he went down the hall and climbed down the first few stairs down to the basement.

He could see Michael sitting on the couch, controller in his hand. Jeremy couldn't see the screen, but, because he knew Michael so well, Jeremy knew he was playing Apocalypse of the Damned. Their favorite game to play together. Michael must be using the single player option.

He made sure to stomp down the rest of the steps so Michael would hear him. 

Michael 

Michael heard the basement door open. It was probably Mom. He was supposed to do the dishes, but had 'forgotten’ to load the dishwasher earlier.

“I'll do it when I finish this level,” he called over his shoulder, still focused on the screen. 

Up. Left. Right. Down. Right.

”What?”

Michael quickly turned around. That wasn't Mom. That was Jeremy. Why was he here? 

His best friend looked upset. He paused at the bottom of the stairs. 

“I just… I just needed to talk to somebody. Christine…”

Michael sat up in his beanbag. “Yeah, of course you can talk to me. Come on.” 

Michael hated it when Jeremy talked about Christine. And that was a lot. Every time Jeremy had whined about how Christine would never like him, Michael had gotten a stomach ache. But he didn't care about any of that now. Jeremy needed him.

He didn't know if the stomach ache was because of his teeny-tiny (ok, maybe a little bigger than teeny-tiny) crush on his best friend, or just because every time Jeremy needed to rant, they ate ice cream. Michael was slightly lactose intolerant.

Jeremy climbed into his beanbag. We're his eyes puffy, or was it the lighting? Michael paused his game, then turned off the tv.

“I think Christine broke up with me.” Jeremy bit his lip.

What was he supposed to say to that? Oh thank God! By the way, would you want to date me instead? Because I've liked you for three years, and even though you've never said you liked boys, you never said you didn't. 

Instead he said, “Oh. Uh, why?” 

Jeremy chewed on his lips some more. Then picked at his fingernails. 

“She said we don't have anything in common.” Jeremy paused to stare at the wall. “And I guess that's true.”

He looks really cute right now. Michael smacked his knee. He wasn't supposed to think about those things when he was in the same room as his best friend. 

Michael is so done with his brain. 

But he does have a lot in common with Jeremy. Is that a good relationship thing to have? He had no idea, having never been in one before. 

“Yeah, I guess you don't. So she officially called it off?” Michael knew it was wrong to celebrate his best friend breaking up with his unofficial girlfriend, but now Jeremy might have time for him. They hadn't had a good bro's night since the squip incident, and it was all because of Christine.

“Well I guess the date started off fine, but then when we went to go get lunch-”

“Hang on-” Michael interrupted, “Should I get the ice cream?”

“Yeah. Chocolate.”

“I know.” Michael knew everything about Jeremy. His favorite ice cream, what time he goes to bed, his foot size *cough*. That's just what happens when you know someone for 12 years and most of your time together, he figured. 

He walked to the basement freezer and got out two bowls. Then filled them with chocolate ice cream. 

“Ok, go,” Michael commanded. 

Jeremy continued. “So we went to go eat lunch, right? That new place in the mall, near the movie theater. And I listened to her talk about this new show, and stuff like that.”

Michael gave Jeremy his ice cream, then plopped back down into his chair. 

“Isn't that what you do every time? Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Listen to your girlfriend talk?”

“Stop interrupting me. Sorry. And like you would know anything about having a girlfriend!”

“True,” Michael admitted, waving his spoon toward Jeremy. He supposed it was fair. Literally everyone at school knew he was gay. He had a damn pride patch on his hoodie, for goodness sake. 

“Then,” Jeremy continued, “She offered to buy her own lunch. Well, told me that she was going to buy her own lunch.”

“Christine is, like, a feminist queen. I'm not surprised.” They broke up over this? Michael thought. 

“No!” 

Michael could tell that Jeremy was getting upset. He was also starting to shovel his ice cream into his mouth violently enough Michael was scared for his teeth.

“She was so weird about it. Like the whole point of her paying was that I didn't get to do anything for her!” Jeremy put his nearly empty bowl on the floor, then put his face in his hands. 

“And then what?” He should comfort him. Michael scooted over to the corner of Jeremy’s bean bag and put his arm across Jeremy's back. He thought resting his chin on the other boy's shoulder, but decided that might be too much, considering the Jeremy was probably mad at him.

Normally, Michael tried hard not to get too close to Jeremy physically, because close contact came hand in hand with feelings. Feelings that Jeremy didn't need to know that Michael felt. Specifically about Jeremy. 

“I drove her home.” Jeremy leaned back into Michael's chest.

And Michael felt something pull in his gut. Oh, geez. This was not what he needed right now. Jeremy was upset! He adjusted his hips.

“And then she said that we didn't have anything in common. And it's true. I know it's true.” His voice cracked. “I only joined the play because of her. And I don't love Broadway."

“Hey, it's going to be ok,” Michael said. Now he was starting to get choked up. He couldn't deal with Jeremy crying. 

“Hey, tell me what happened next.”

Jeremy complied. “She said we should date anymore. Or something like that, I can't remember. I was kind of freaking out.” 

He really started to cry now. Hot tears fell down his checks. He tried to wipe them away with his sleeve, but not before Michael saw.

Michael had a mini heart attack. What should he do? Was hugging him too much? Probably not. Jeremy liked touches. Maybe he should just get him a tissue. But that meant he would have to get up, and he really didn't want to let go of Jeremy. 

So he decided to stay still and quiet. What Jeremy needed right now was for him to listen.

“Hey, it's going to be ok. You can stay over here tonight, we can catch up. Eat more ice cream. Play Apocalypse. We still need to pass level 10,” Michael offered.

Jeremy seemed to become less tense, and he looked over to Michael. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, dude. You know you're always welcome here. And it's only one o'clock.” 

Jeremy bit his lip and looked past Michael. “Are you sure you're not still upset about, you know…” 

Michael knew what he was talking about. The squip. Leaving Michael in the bathroom. Completely ignoring him. But he also thought they were past this.

“Dude, we talked about this.” Michael felt this was an appropriate time to take his arm off of Jeremy. “We decided to forget all about it. Remember?”

“I can't forget. I was so horrible to you. I left you at that party when you needed me!” 

Jeremy's voice cracked on the word ‘needed,’ and Michael's heart broke into a million pieces. Here was this boy that he loved and he was crying over him. He couldn't handle this.

Wait. Did he just think the 'L’ word? He needed to stop. Platonically, Michael told himself. Yeah he had a huge crush on Jer, but that didn't mean he was in love with him.

“Hey, hey!” Michael pulled his best friend toward him, and held him against his chest. Jeremy's arms hung limply at his side's. Michael just clung to Jeremy and let him cry.

“I know that wasn't your fault. The squip told you to ignore me and leave me at the party. Please stop crying, it wasn't your fault, Jer.” He had no idea what else to say to convince Jeremy that everything was ok. He'd forgiven him weeks ago when Jeremy first apologized. There was not a single thing in the entire universe that could dampen his love toward his best friend. 

“I left you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for a second. I'm so sorry, Micha. I never want to lose you. I love you so much.” Jeremy wrapped his arms around Michael's middle and wiped his cheek with his shoulder.

Michael had to tell himself that Jeremy didn't mean anything by that. It was what friends as close as the two of them said to each other all the time. It wasn't unusual. But it still hurt, knowing that Jeremy would never think of him as more than a friend. 

“I love you too, Jer.”

They stayed in that position forever.

At least it felt like forever. It was probably closer to ten minutes. Michael wished it could have been forever. It had been a very long time since he had an excuse to hold Jeremy in his arms. 

Finally, Jeremy spoke. “Wanna play level 10?” His voice was strong and back to normal. 

Michael had to let go of Jeremy, and it was one of the hardest (heh) things he had ever had to do. 

“Yeah. You set it up, I'll take our bowls upstairs. I think Mama will actually take away my phone if I don't load the dishwasher.” Michael picked himself up and out of his beanbag. He took their bowls and started to go up the stairs. 

“Hey, Micha.” Jeremy was talking to him. for a split second, he allowed himself to imagine the possibility that Jeremy might actually like him. Could Jeremy have been hiding his love for years now, and suddenly be ready to confess? 

Then he dismissed the thought. Jeremy can't like him like that. He's straight. He likes girls, like Christine. Pretty much only Christine. 

“Thanks. For listening. You're the best.” Jeremy gave him a grateful smile. 

Michael had missed that smile so much.

“Anytime, Jer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anything is wrong, please tell me so I can fix it.
> 
> Also, ideas are welcome


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short

Jeremy was in the mall. Again, he didn't know how he got there. Maybe he should get that checked out by a doctor. 

There were people all around with bags. He was standing near the entrance to a store. 

"Go buy a new shirt," said a familiar voice.

"Huh?" Jeremy's heart started to pound. Why was the squip back? He had gotten rid of it. "No! Leave me alone! I stopped you!" He called. 

He blinked and everything changed.

He looked around and saw a living room with teenagers in weird costumes. He was at Jake's Halloween party. People were all around him. Jenna and Chloe were drinking in the corner by the television. Brooke was smoking something by the doorway. 

"Hey, Jeremy,” a girl said flirtatiously. Chloe was standing in front of him with one of her hands on her hip. "Do you wanna hang?" Chloe gave him a menacing smile and batted her lashes.

Not again not again not again not again not again

"Jeremy." Chloe was staring at him with her eyebrows furrowed. Then she reached out and shook him. 

"Let go! Stop it!"

"Jeremy!" That was weird. Why did she sound like Michael?

"Jeremy!" That was definitely Michael.

Jeremy opened his eyes, and then snapped them closed again. It was brighter than his future.

"Jeremy, wake up," Michael demanded. He was on top of Jeremy and shaking him by the shoulders. If he wasn't so confused and tired, it might have been awkward.

“Hey, you were dreaming. Or having a nightmare. You were yelling.” 

Michael was still on top of him, and he was kind of heavy. Jeremy rubbed the sleep out of his eyes with his hand that wasn't pinned down by Michael’s leg. Michael finally noticed that he was on top [fOrShAdOwInG?] of Jeremy and swung his leg over so there were sitting side by side. 

“Sorry,” Jeremy whispered. He felt horrible. He could see from the red glare of Michael's alarm clock that it was 3:56 in the morning. 

Hang on. Why was he in Michael's bed? Then everything from the day before came back.

***

After they completed level ten, it only took two hours, Michael suggested they go for a walk in the forest behind his house.

Jeremy was quick to agree to the idea. It had been forever since they went back there. It was too rainy during the summer before junior year so, they were unable to mess around all summer because the ground was mud.

Then it was too infestation with poison ivy, and even though Jeremy was immune, he didn't want to go by himself. That problem had been taken care of during Jeremy's time with the squip. It really had been forever.

They had rushed up the steps in the basement, tripping each other. Jeremy had to borrow a pair of boots, because he didn’t plan to spend the night. 

The path they had made last year was all overgrown with brush and grass. Michael offered to push through first because he had had long sleeves on. Jeremy had tried to go first because of his immunity to poison ivy, but Michael insisted. Jeremy thought that he probably felt bad because of Christine. 

They found their way to their old fort that they had made when they were still in middle school. Jeremy thought it was pretty gross, but Michael still went in. They found an old Scrabble board.

When they went to find their log with the mushrooms, Jeremy noticed a huge spider on Michael's back. He grabbed a stick of the ground, and very quickly, smacked it off of his best friend's hoodie. 

After they found their log, they were both starving. So they went inside. 

Rosa had bought a frozen pizza, because, like she told them, she knew they would make up and end up having a sleepover. It was pepperoni. 

Jeremy sat on his barstool and watched Michael put the pizza in the oven. When it was done, they both got half. 

“So, you need to borrow pajamas,” Michael had said. 

“Yes I do.” It wasn't anything new.

Jeremy had a drawer in Michael's dresser, but it was easier just to wear Michael's pajamas. And even though Jeremy would never tell his best friend, he thought his clothes smelled good.

He ended up in a yellow SpongeBob shirt and his own boxers. Michael just decided to sleep in his hoodie and a pair of very comfortable looking sweats.

When it was time to go to sleep (about one in the morning, when they couldn't keep their eyes open) Jeremy told Michael he was going to crash in the basement. Michael, of course, had none of that. He insisted Jeremy at least sleep in his room, like normal. Normal was a sleeping bag on the floor. 

After about seventeen minutes of tossing and turning on the floor in a sleeping bag, Jeremy gave up and crawled into bed with Michael. He was so tired, he didn't care about the no homo rule between friends. That rule had never really applied to them. It had been years since they had last slept in the same bed, but he knew Michael wouldn't care. They were both guys. Even if Michael might be gay.

Even though he suspected his best friend was gay, he knew Michael would never, ever, think of him like that. He called himself an idiot. They didn't have secrets. Then he decided that this whole train of thought was a mess because he was tired, and decided to go to sleep. 

“Jeremy, what are you… ok then.” Michael turned over to face him. Then he booped Jeremy on the nose and closed his eyes. 

That was the last thing he remembered. 

***  
Michael

“No, it's fine. I was awake anyway,” Michael answered. He actually hadn't been, but he wasn't tired, so it didn't matter. 

Michael had woken up to Jeremy saying 'no.’ At first, he just waited for it to go away because Jeremy did sleep talk sometimes. But then he started to talk louder, saying 'stop,’ and started kicking him in the knees. And it kind of hurt. 

So, Michael sat up and grabbed his shoulders to shake him. But he couldn't get a grip, because then Jeremy was kicking harder. So he needed to hold down his legs, and one thing led to another. And Michael ended up straddling his best friend who was kicking and screaming 'stop!’ He knew that if you didn't know the whole story, it looked kind of sketchy. 

Michael justified this to himself by deciding that Jeremy might injure himself if he wasn't held down. So he needed to sit on him for Jeremy's own good. Yep. That's it. 

Then he woke up, and didn't mind. Jeremy acted like it was perfectly normal to wake up with his best friend straddling him. 

“Hey, you were dreaming,” he said. “Or having a nightmare.” Great explanation, Michael. Totally believable.

He figured his luck was over and that he needed to get off before this was considered harassment. He flipped back over to his own side of the bed. 

“Sorry.” 

Jeremy sounded so incredibly sad. Michael didn't know what to say that would show how much he cared about his friend. He would wake up at any ungodly hour of the morning if it meant he got to sleep next to Jeremy. 

He tried his best to make Jeremy feel better by saying, “Anytime. I mean, it's fine. I mean, are you ok?” shit.

Jeremy gave him a weak smile and looked into his eyes. “I'm good. I just want to go back to sleep.”

“Ok. Let's go back to sleep.” Michael would kill to have Jeremy smile like that for him again. Hell, he'd kill for Jeremy in general. That probably wasn't healthy. Jer was so freaking adorable. 

Jeremy turned over on his side so his back was toward Michael. He let out a shaky breath that Michael barely caught.

Michael had an idea. It was not a good idea. He must be insane, or still high from yesterday.

“Hey, Jer?”

“Hey what?”

Michael knew he was taking a huge change by just asking, but... “Remember when we were kids. We used to, you know. Like, cuddle.” Could he be any more awkward? Nope.

“Yeah, kinda.”

“Do you wanna, like…”

“Uh...yeah. Um…” Jeremy scooted back until he was close enough that Michael could feel his body heat. 

Tentatively, Michael put his arm over Jeremy. “Is this ok?”

Jeremy scooted back another inch, until his back was pressed against Michael's chest. “Yep.”

Michael had no idea what was going on, and he was borderline freaking out. He never expected Jeremy to accept his offer. Now what? It wasn't very comfortable. He moved his butt back a bit, then leaned forward. A little bit better. 

Why did Jer accept? Maybe he was still exhausted and delirious. Or maybe… no. Stop it, Michael. That makes you miserable. 

This was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Getting to hold his crush in his arms while they fell asleep. Michael took a deep breath and savored the moment, because he knew it would never happen again.


	4. Chapter 4

Michael woke up still wrapped around Jeremy. He could see his alarm clock on his night stand, sitting underneath his Monsters Inc. lamp. It read 7:22. Three and a half hours since Jeremy had woken both of them up. 

He was curled up in a fetal position, arms wrapped around his knees, head on Michael's arm. He was kind of heavy, but Michael didn't care. It was also kind of warm. He was still in his hoodie. 

Jeremy moved his arm under him, and pushed like he was trying to flip over. It was possible that he didn't know he was still cuddling with Michael in Michael's bed, but that was probably not true. Then he did flip over, and stretched out his legs. 

Now he was pressed even closer to MB Closer than they even usually hugged each other. His face was barely three inches from Jeremy’s. Then Jeremy put his leg over Michael's.

And he had a heart attack. If Michael stayed in this position any longer, he thought he might die of happiness. He was cuddling with the boy he loved so much it hurt his chest. And he was pretty sure he had a boner.

“Micha?” Jeremy flopped over on his back and scrunched up his face, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “What time is it?” 

“About 7. We slept for, like, three hours.” He was still laying on top of Michael's arm, Michael was stuck on his side and couldn't move away. Not that he wanted to.

Jeremy regretfully opened his eyes, and met Michael's gaze. Then he noticed how close together the two of them were and turned red. Jeremy looked away first.

His door flew open, and Mama stuck her head in the room. Both Michael and Jeremy scrambled to the opposite sides of the bed. Jeremy elbowed him in the gut. Both of their faces dropped into an even deeper shade of red. Michael put his hands on top of his red comforter and tried to hide his dick.

“Oh!” She exclaimed, “Sorry boys! Rosa, come here. It finally happened.” She put a hand over her eyes, comically.

“Maaaamaa,” Michael complained. “Nothing happened. Stop doing this.”

Charlotte was still covering her eyes. “I was just coming to tell you that I made waffles. How are you, Jeremy? It's been a while.”

Jeremy was as red as Michael's comforter. “Um, good, Mrs. Mell.” He shut his eyes, looked up to the ceiling, and pinched his tongue in-between his lips. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, boys! I'm so proud of you, Michael! We are thrilled!” Mom pushed her way into his bedroom, and made Michael feel even more uncomfortable. He was sure Jeremy felt worse than him.

“Nothing happened!” Michael told them again. “Can you guys leave now?”

“Alright, Alright. We're going. Come on, Rose.” Mama grabbed his Mom's arm and tugged her out of the room. He heard her say, “let's give them some privacy.” His moms closed the door behind them. 

Jeremy relaxed. “Oh my God. That was embarrassing. Why do they think we're together?”

“I don't know.”

“Oh.”

His Mothers probably knew how much he loved Jeremy. Or at least suspected. They did live with him, after all.

“So. We have the entire weekend. What do you want to do?” Michael pulled himself up to lean on the wall next to his friend. He prayed to whatever god was out there that Jeremy wouldn't notice the blankets poking up.

Jeremy shrugged. “I don't care. Slushies. We could try that new ice cream spot. Ooh! It's supposed to be hot enough to go to the pool!”

Shit.

That wasn't a good idea. 

Honestly, Michael had a secret, that he really didn't want the love of his life (and his best friend) to know about. Did he really just think that? Stop! It was kind of a big secret, but he knew he would have to tell Jeremy eventually, but he hadn't planned to do it, so soon.

It wasn't his crush. That was a huge secret, and he planned to never tell Jer about that. He would rather throw himself off a bridge than tell his best friend that he had feelings for him that definitely shouldn't be there. 

His secret was his arms.

Well, not really his arms. He had nice arms. At least he thought he had nice arms. No one had ever said he had bad arms. Ok, getting off track.

His secret was the scars on his arms. 

They had been fairly easy to hide, given that everyone expected him to wear his hoodie all seasons. But they still haunted him, especially that they were partially his best friend's fault. The other partial fault belonged to the squip, so he supposed he shouldn't. blame Jeremy that much. Or at all. And besides, he had already forgiven him for everything else. How was this different?

It was actually a lot different. If he told Jeremy that he tried to off himself because of Jeremy's actions, his best friend might do something without thinking. He might hurt himself. That would be bad. Chill, Michael.

Ok. So. How was he supposed to get out of this? He didn't think he could. Jeremy knew he loves the pool and swimming. He couldn't fake sick. There was no way out of this. Maybe he could swim in a wetsuit? He didn't have a wetsuit. 

shitshitshitshitshit 

He would have to either tell Jeremy and risk his getting upset, or swim in his hoodie. Which would make Jeremy wonder why he was swimming in his hoodie, which meant he would have to tell him anyway. 

Maybe he could make up a better reason than “My best friend for twelve years called me a loser and abandoned me with no one, so I didn't know what else to do.” He could probably get away with not mentioning that it was a suicide attempt, but the cuts were deep. It had been three weeks, and they were still pink and healing. 

He rehearsed his speech in his head. “So I was really upset and I wasn't thinking straight. And it just kind of happened.” Excellent. 

He decided to tell Jeremy before they left, so if his best friend wanted to kill him, there would be two witnesses. 

“Yeah, ok. Let's eat breakfast and then go get slushies down the road. Come back here to get pool stuff. After the pool we can go to the ice cream spot. Know what time the pool opens?”

Jeremy did not. 

Jeremy crawled out of bed first and tugged on his pants from yesterday. He did smell them first, and Michael thought that was disgusting. He kept the SpongeBob shirt on. 

It occurred to Michael that it might be weird to watch your best friend get dressed, but it wasn't like anything important was showing. Then he decided he better change too, because he didn't need his mom's to see him almost naked. But first, he needed Jeremy out of the room. He didn't need to scar his friend’s memory for life by making him see Michael with a morning boner.

“You can go eat without me. I have to use the bathroom,” he told Jeremy.

Jeremy nodded and slipped out of Michael's room to go grab breakfast. Michael knew waffles were his favorite, and it would be suicide to stand between his best friend and his favorite food.

He quickly picked a random shirt from his top drawer and knocked it closed with his hip. Then he hopped over the sleeping bag which Jeremy had tried to sleep in last night, and stuffed his jeans from a few days ago under his arm. He picked his glasses up from the nightstand where he set them last night before he fell asleep, and put them on his face.

The bathroom was across the hall from his Moms’ room. It was about seven steps from his room. He didn't have to share with anyone, there was a bathroom in his Moms' room. 

Michael looked in the mirror, and decided he probably needed to take a shower. His hair was greasy, and he didn't like to leave the house looking like a complete hobo. Then he figured it didn't matter because they were going to the pool anyway. Water was water. Even if it did have days worth of kid pee mixed in with the chlorine.

His eyes were kind of puffy. Maybe from too much sleep? That didn't make sense. Oh, well. Whatever. He had something to take care of before he could go eat.

***  
They were too full to go get slushies right after breakfast, so they decided to wait. The plan they had made earlier wasn't very well thought out. Jeremy had eaten there and a half waffles, a new record. Michael only ate one and the other half of Jeremy's. So they decided to start a new game Michael had got a week ago. It was too hot to do anything else, and besides, the pool didn't open until 10:00. Mama had Googled it for them.

The game was about what they usually like to play. Two players, zombies, and ten years older than them. 

Jeremy set up the console while Michael tried discreetly to watch his butt. (It wasn't that discreet).

“Come on, player two. Hurry up,” Michael chided. “I want to play already.”

Jeremy froze his plugging in. “Actually, uh. I was thinking about that.”

“What?” He was confused. Jeremy was thinking about playing the game?

Jeremy shook his head and sucked on his lip. “Nothing.” He tried to fake a laugh, but Michael knew him too well. “Nevermind.”

He knew something was wrong. “Hey, what's up? Look, we don't have to play this game. Or any. Wanna go to the pool now?”

Jeremy seemed to have an internal fight with himself, deciding what to say. He must have decided to tell Michael, because he said, “Why are you always player one?”

Michael's eyebrows raised in surprise. He had no idea how to respond to that. 

“Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be rude, or anything. Sorry. I don't know   
why - why I said that. I'm a horrible friend.”

All of a sudden, the room got really still. 

Did Jeremy really feel that way? He'd never said anything before, but during their first conversation about the squip incident Jeremy had admitted he felt left out of the spotlight.

Neither of the boys wanted to talk, and Michael still didn't know what to say. So, of course, he made it worse. 

“I don't know.” What the hell, Michael? Why would you say that? 

“I mean.. We've just always played like that. We can switch if you want. Here, look,” he said, trying to make things less awkward. Michael tossed his remote into Jeremy's beanbag, and then picked up the player two remote. 

“Let's play this bitch.”

Halfway through level three Michael paused the game. 

“Hey!” Jeremy cried, “I was just about to hit that boss! Now when you play it, we'll get a Game Over,” he grumbled.

Michael was too nervous to feel bad about making them lose, even though Jer had a really cute pouty face. He had to tell Jeremy about his scars, and it was now or never. He couldn't wear long sleeves for the rest of his life. 

Maybe he could try?

No. The longer he kept his secret, the harder it would be to come clean. They didn't have secrets.

He really hoped he wouldn't have a panic attack right in the middle of his explanation.

“I know. Sorry. But I need- I need to tell you something. It's important.”

Jeremy must have known something was wrong, because his face softened from annoyance to worry. Then he did that (really cute) thing where he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and sucked on it. 

“What is it?” he asked. “Is it about the thing I said earlier? About the player…” Jeremy trailed off, obviously afraid he would say something to make Michael upset. 

Michael adjusted his legs.

“No. Well kinda.”

“Are you okay?”

“Do you remember that conversation we had? It must have been about a year ago, in your room. I told you that sometimes, when things, like my anxiety, got really bad-”

“That you wanted to hurt yourself? Michael, what did you do?” 

He could see the panic in Jeremy's eyes, and he knew that his best friend understood what he was trying to tell him. They knew each other so incredibly well, they could talk without using words. 

“It was after you left me in the bathroom,” He said, quickly and quietly. “Hey, don't blame yourself. There wasn't anything you could have done,” he comforted. 

Jeremy rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. “I could have gone back. I could have left with you. I could have-”

“Stop it!” Michael said harshly. Probably too harshly, now that he thought about it. “Stop blaming yourself. I'm still here, see?” He rested his hand on Jeremy's back, and rubbed in small circles.

“I should be comforting you.” Jeremy took the neck of his too-big shirt and wiped his nose on it. “Will you- can you show me- what did you do? How bad was it?” 

“I don't want any of our new friends to know. They'd just see that I'm actually a screw-up. Or anyone to see at the pool, either,” he said, hesitantly. He knew Jeremy would do his best not to tell anyone if he asked him not too, but now that he had some popular friends…

Jeremy looked at him with his big, innocent eyes. “Michael,” he said reassuringly, “I will never say anything to anyone. I promise.”

They never broke their promises to each other. Michael breathed out a sigh of relief and laced his fingers together on his lap. Then took them apart and started to fight with his sleeve. 

“I trust you. Here, uh..” Michael's hands were shaking so bad he had to try twice to pinch his cuff. Then he tugged up to his elbow. He could feel Jeremy watching his face, not his arms and hands. 

Why wasn't he looking at his scars? 

Then Jeremy rested his arm across Michael's knee and took his hand in his own. 

So this is what it feels like, Michael thought. To hold hands with someone you love more than anything in the world. 

“I don't care what you did,” Jeremy said. “Well I mean, I do, but… As long as you promise to never, ever, hurt yourself again, I don't care. Okay?”

He didn't deserve this boy. Jeremy was everything good in the world wrapped up into a person. He was fresh snow and freezing Mountain Dew Red slushies and music and BBQ chicken. 

He was a fucking miracle.

“I won't. Cut myself again, I mean. For you.”

Jeremy leaned over to him and enveloped Michael in a very tight hug. He still hasn't looked at his arms. 

Michael had no idea what to say next. What do you say after having a very heartfelt conversation with your completely unrequited and hopeless love?

He asked, “Pool?”

Nice.

“Yeah, let's go,” Jeremy answered. “We'll need to stop at my house so I can get my swimsuit, though. None of yours will fit me.” 

He let go of Michael and stood up, wobbly. He reached out his hand to give Michael a boost. Michael took it. He knew Jeremy could see the white-pink lines that crossed the light brown skin of his arms. He didn't react, as far as Michael could tell. Even though they were extremely good at reading each other. He tugged his sleeves down, and the other boy didn't say anything.

They left the basement. Jeremy followed him up to his room so he could get his swimsuit. 

“Do you want to change here, or at my house? I guess we could also do it at the pool,” Jeremy suggested. 

Michael opened the bottom drawer in his dresser and took out his green and gray shorts that he had been using for the past few summers.

“Let's change at your house. Can we use your towels?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. My moms already know we're going, so we can just leave,” Michael said. “Come on.”

They went out to the garage and got into Michael's PT Cruiser. Then they drove to Jeremy's house.

When they got to their destination, Mr. Heere was nowhere in sight. They checked the kitchen and the master bedroom, and still didn't see him. Michael had honestly no idea where he was. He didn't work on Saturday, that he knew of. So where the hell was he?

Oh, well. It didn't matter, anyway. All they needed was a swimsuit and some towels. And some money for ice cream. Michael was flat broke. 

(They took the money from Mr. Heere's sock drawer. He didn’t know that the boys knew about it. Shh.)

“Okay, so you get your suit, I'll get the towels,” he told Jeremy. 

Jeremy nodded and went around the dining table to his room. Michael turned around the other way to the bathroom. The towels were in the cabinet next to the sink. He took out two old, orange ones that they had been using for years at the pool. He went back to the Dining room.

Jeremy was coming out of his room, already changed into his shorts. He had kept Michael's shirt on, though. Michael didn't know if that made him happy or upset. 

“Ready?” Michael asked.

“Yep. I'll get a snack first.”

“Dude! How can you still eat anything? It's only been an hour,” Michael laughed.

Jeremy shrugged. After he got a pop tart from the pantry, they got back in Michael's car and headed out to the pool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have anxiety, say kind things


	5. Chapter 5

The sun shone down on them as they crossed the street to the huge metal gate. The pool parking lot didn't have any more spaces open to park in, because people were terrible at parking their cars in the spaces. Michael had to pull into the library parking lot.

Jeremy and Michael got to the pool just as everyone else in their entire town did. Or, at least, it seemed like the entire town was there. Everyone liked to swim during the hottest days of the summer. There were small children everywhere, and it was hard not to run into them.

Jeremy opened the gate for his best friend, and ended up holding it open for a couple with a baby, and three small children. He gave Michael an exasperated look after the first child ran in front of him, and Michael laughed. It made Jeremy's heart flutter. He was so happy to see Michael with joy on his face. Ever since they left his house, Michael had been kind of distant. Jeremy thought it was probably because he was nervous about showing Jeremy his scars. 

He shouldn't have had to be nervous, Jeremy thought. Nothing could come between them anymore.

At least not after this school year. 

They went straight to the bath house to rinse off in the cold water. Rosa had shown them that if they took really cold showers before they got in the pool, the pool water would feel warm. Now, they always did it before jumping in the water. Jeremy watched Michael start to take off his shirt, then turned away. He was so self-conscious about his scars, Jeremy didn't need to make that worse. He took off his own shirt facing the corner.

Michael always got right underneath the freezing water, soaking his head and shoulders. Jeremy didn't really understand how he did that. He loved the pool, but he hated to get water on his face. 

“Come on, are you ready?” Michael asked, while shaking the water out of his hair like a dog. That was kind of silly. He was just going to jump in the water and get it all wet again. But the action was just, so, Michael. Jeremy just rolled his eyes.

“You're an idiot.”

“What?” Michael faked a heartbroken look

He took their towels off the counter and threw Michael his. They would hang them on the fence outside so they wouldn't get stolen. They were crappy towels, but who knew. Teenagers were stupid.

“Ready?” 

“Um, yes? Wait, Micha!” Jeremy cried. 

Michael threw his towel back at Jeremy's head, and ran towards the deep end of the pool. He leaped off of the side of the pool, nearly slipping on the puddles. The splash he made almost reached the lifeguard, who did not look like she was having fun. 

Wait a second. He couldn't see her face, but that hair looked awfully familiar…

“Christine!?”

The girl turned around at the sound of Jeremy's voice, and he could see that it was, in fact, Christine. 

“Hey!” She waved Jeremy, and then beckoned him over to her chair. Jeremy didn't know what else to do, but to go over there and talk to her. He couldn't pretend to see her, they'd made eye contact.

She didn't look upset from seeing him. She was almost… happy?

He tossed their belongings onto the nearest table that wasn't covered in pool water. Then he walked slowly over to his ex-girlfriend-of-one-day's lifeguard chair.

“Hey Jeremy! It's crazy that you're here. How are you?” 

Did she not remember yesterday? Was it all some very weird and messed up dream? Probably not. He didn't have the imagination to come up with a dream that detailed. 

“I'm… uh… fine. Did you see Michael jump in?” he asked.

Stupid. He sounded so stupid.

Jeremy could feel his body trying to close in on itself, like it always did when he went into fight or flight mode. He couldn't control it.

“Hi, Christine.” 

Normally someone coming up behind wouldn't have scared him that bad, but he was nervous. Jeremy jumped an inch off the ground. Michael thwacked his in the shoulder and huffed a laugh.

“Hey, Michael. I saw you jump in,” she stated. 

A yell came from the pool, and Christine stood up to see what was happening. He followed her gaze and saw two boys, about ten years old, trying to push each other off the side of the pool. 

Christine took off towards them, saying something like talk later and sorry. Jeremy watched her walk away, and then realized how low he was staring. Oops. 

“Dude, are you good?” He had forgot Michael was standing behind him again. He turned around and nodded, but he knew it couldn't have looked that convincing.

“Yeah, I'm good.” 

Michael looked skeptical, but replied, “Alright. Come on, get in the pool.”

He grabbed Jeremy's arm and hauled him over to the five foot deep part. Then he sat down on the edge, pulling Jeremy down with him. Jeremy kicked his legs in the water. 

“You still really like her,” Michael said, quietly. He was staring out into the pool at a middle aged Asian woman with a wailing toddler. “I can tell.”

“I liked her for a year, Michael. I guess I can't get over her in a day,” Jeremy snapped. Then he instantly felt bad. Michael didn't do anything, he didn't deserve to be yelled at. “Sorry. I guess I'm just upset,” he added.

Michael sighed and bit the inside of his cheek. “It's fine, I know it's hard when someone doesn't like you back.” He paused, then added, “I want to get in the water.” 

And he did. Michael put his arms on the tiles for balance and slid his butt off the side. Jeremy didn't.

“Do you just want to go back to my house? We can eat popcorn and get stoned in my basement,” Michael offered. He leaned on the side of the pool.

Jeremy shrugged. Spending the night with his best friend had helped him to forget his break up for a while, but seeing Christine made him remember everything that happened yesterday. Was that yesterday? It felt like the breakup had happened years ago.

“Well, okay,” Jeremy heard Michael say. Then he said something about going to the deeper end away from everyone else, but Jeremy wasn't paying attention. 

His thoughts about Christine were drowning everything else out. He could see her, talking to the two boys. He hadn't even known that Christine was a lifeguard. That just proved that what she said yesterday was really true. They really had nothing in common. Why had he liked her for the past year, again? 

He watched as Christine bent down to let the smaller of the boys onto her shoulders. Then, just when he caught his balance and got situated, she threw him into the pool. 

Jeremy let out a huff of laughter, and remembered why he liked her so much. She was so free, and didn't care what anyone thought. He wished that he could be like that. She was kind and nice and loving and generous and passionate and…

Not in love with him.

Damn it.

Maybe if he asked her to lunch as friends-

“Jeremy!”

He looked up to see Michael jumping in the pool for the second time that day. The splash was even bigger than the first, and a couple elderly women stretching near the ladder gave him nasty looks when the water sprayed them. They were at a pool, for goodness sake. Geez, deal with it, old people.

Michael was still under the water, and even though it had only been a couple seconds, Jeremy was starting to get nervous. Maybe he hit his head on the bottom and was unconscious and drowning and Jeremy was just sitting here while Michael could be in trouble-

Michael broke through the surface, and Jeremy let out a small sigh of relief. He didn't know why he was worried.

Jeremy took a big breath in, and let it out. He needed to stop thinking. It would just make him more anxious and then his brain would never shut up.

Doop da boop da de doop beep bap be boop 

Ok, that was definitely his phone. No one else would have really old video game music as a ringtone but him. Jeremy sighed again, and picked himself up carefully. The last thing he needed was to slip and fall in front of Christine.

He fumbled around with his towel, trying to find the source of the noise. People were starting to get annoyed. 

He squeaked out, “sorry,” even though no one could hear him.

When he finally got his hands wrapped around the phone, he saw that it was his dad calling. 

His dad never called, he only texted. He had a thing against talking on the phone. Something about his voice sounding stuffy. Shit. It must be an emergency. He hit the green 'answer call's button.

“Dad, what's wrong?”

Jeremy could see Michael still in the pool, but now he was watching Jeremy talk on the phone. He mothers the word “dad,” and Michael furrowed his eyebrows. He knew that Jeremy's dad never called.

Jeremy shrugged at Michael just as his dad replied, “Jeremy, are you there? Where the hell are you?”

“I sent you a text last night, and I’m with Michael. At the pool.”

“I need you to come home. Now.”

Jeremy could tell that something was definitely wrong. His dad never called him and ordered him to come home when he was doing something that vaguely resembles d exercise. He waved his free arm in the air until he caught Michaels attention. Then he waved him over. Michael paddled over to the ladder. 

“What's wrong, dad?”

“Nothing's wrong, I just need you to come home.”

“Alright, alright. I'm bringing Michael,” Jeremy said. And then he hung up the phone before his dad could tell him not to bring his best friend. If something was actually wrong, he needed Michael there. Michael was his support system when it came to unknowns.

“Hey, what's up? Your dad never calls,” Michael said. He snagged his towel off the table and threw it over his head, like a ghost Halloween costume.

Jeremy replied, “I don't know, he told me to come home. I'm bringing you with me, okay? I could tell something was wrong, even though he said it wasn’t.”

“Yeah, of course dude. Leave right now?”

“He said now. I really wanted to get ice cream,” Jeremy complained. He made an exaggerated pouty face. 

Michael let out a laugh. “We can later. Come on, Let's get you home.” He whipped Jeremy's towel at him.

“Ow, dude! That hurt!” Jeremy stole his towel back, and headed to the gate, drying his legs as he walked.

They got into Michael's car. Michael covered his seat with his towel, so it wouldn't get wet. It probably wouldn't matter, anyway. The inside of his car was kind of gross. The empty slushie cups on the floor in the back hit the door when Michael turned out of the library parking lot. 

“So what do you think it is?” Michael asked. 

“I don't know. I already told you I don't know,” He said feeling annoyed. “It’s probably nothing.”

Michael turned the top half of his body to face Jeremy and raised his eyebrows. “Dude. Your dad called you. Like, on the phone. The last time your dad called… I think your grandma had a stroke.”

Jeremy was already aware of this, but hearing it said out loud just made it worse. Maybe his grandma had another stroke. And his grandpa was getting pretty old…

A couple minutes later, they pulled into Jeremy's driveway and Michael cut the engine. 

“Hey.” Michael hit the button to unbuckle his seat belt, and then put his hand on Jeremy's shoulder. “You're probably right. It's nothing,” he comforted.

“Yeah, I hope so,” Jeremy answered, then climbed out of the car.

Michael followed him through the side door to the garage. Their front door was only for the people that the Heere's didn't know. 

“Dad, we're home!” Jeremy yelled when they stepped into the living room.

“I'm in my bedroom!” Came a muffled yell from the other side of the house. “Hang on.”

Jeremy kicked off his shoes by the door, and told Michael, “I probably need to go put on clothes.”

“Yeah, go change.” Before he led the room, Jeremy saw Michael sit down on the couch, even though his shorts were still wet. It probably couldn't make the sofa any worse. Jeremy was pretty sure it was older than he was. 

In his room, he changed into an old pair of jeans and a blue T-shirt. When he closed his closest he saw Michael's black hoodie shoved into one of the corners of his room. He picked it up and shook it off, because Michael would probably want it to cover his arms. He was clearly extremely self conscious about his scars, and definitely didn't want Jeremy's dad to know about his cutting. 

Jeremy had tried not to look at his best friend's scars when Michael had told him about it. He had looked so small while telling Jeremy, he didn't want to accidentally make Michael feel worse about hurting himself. 

But Jeremy knew it was completely his fault. If he hadn't talked to the squip, or gone to that party, or…

There were so many things that he wished he could change, or at least have a do-over. 

But things would be better now. Michael had promised not to hurt himself again, and they were getting along better than ever. Michael had definitely forgiven him, too, because he kept touching him. 

Not that Jeremy minded, but it was pretty new. Not that he would ever say anything, but he actually kind of liked the touching. It showed him that Michael trusted him was comfortable around him even after the squip incident, because neither of them were the touchy type.

His dad yelling, “Jeremy!” threw him off of his train of thought. 

He hurried out of his room with Michael's hoodie, wondering what was so time pressing. He could feel the start of a stomach ache coming on. 

When he walked around the back of his dad's Lazy-Boy and Michael came into view, he held up the hoodie. 

“I found this. Thought you might want it.”

Michael gave him a look that showed how grateful and relieved he was. “Thanks, man.”

“Jeremy, sit down. And I didn't say that you were allowed to bring Michael.” His dad was sitting in the Lazy-Boy, across from the couch. He was watching Michael, and that made Jeremy weirdly uncomfortable for some reason. He sat down next to Michael, but far enough away that he could cross his legs on the couch. 

“Ok, what the hell is going on. You call-”

“Language,” his dad interrupted.

“Sorry.”

“This is a family matter, so maybe Michael can wait in your room-”

Jeremy got the honor of interrupting this time.   
He said, “Michael is family. Is it grandma?”

“No, it's not your grandmother. She's doing good. It's about your, er, I don't know how to say this… it's about your mother.”

“Huh?” Jeremy was taken aback. They never talked about his mom. It was kind of a forbidden topic in the Heere household. 

He only knew the basic things, for example…

Her name was Niki

She left when Jeremy was three, and he had almost no memories of her

She lived in Georgia 

She left his dad for another man, and he was rich.

“She called me. She wants to get to know you. And she wants you to spend the summer with her.”

If Jeremy had been eating something, he probably would have choked on it and died. 

“Wait, wait, wait. Go back. Start at the beginning,” He told his dad. “She called you?

“Uh, Jeremy?” 

He looked over at Michael, and saw him nod down to his arm. Jeremy was squeezing it, and it looked like it must have hurt at least a little bit. 

“Oh. Sorry.” He took his hand off of Michael's arm. He didn't even remember grabbing him. Weird. 

His dad started to talk, completely ignoring the exchange between the two boys. 

“I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and my phone started to ring. Now, normally, I don't answer calls from numbers I don't recognize, and this was one of those numbers. So I let it go to voicemail…”

“And?” Jeremy said, impatiently.

“I'm going. Hold your horses. I let it go to voicemail. But then they left a voicemail, so I listened to it. And it was a woman, and she said her name was Niki, and I knew it was because I would recognize her voice anywhere. She told me to call her back. I knew it must have been important, because we hadn't talked since we separated. And we separated on very bad terms, you know. She left me for some rich asshole in Georgia.”

“Mr. Heere,” Michael said bluntly, but not rudely. “We know.”

“Yeah, yeah. So when I called her back, she explained how she was divorced from Robert, and how she was doing very well for herself. Said she had a nice house and quite a bit of money. And obviously I asked her why she was telling me all of this information, and she said she wanted a second chance.”

“For what? A family?”

“She wants to know you. Said a bunch of stuff about mothers and sons and bonding. Mumbo jumbo like that. We also yelled a little bit. Well, I did.”

“So where does 'spend the summer with her’ come from? Like, live with her?” Jeremy asked. This was all too much. Half an hour ago he was at the pool, worrying about what Christine thought about him. Now a complete stranger wanted to get to know him.

“Well,” his dad said, “She wants to meet you first. She told me to give you her number so you could call her to arrange something. I wrote it down somewhere in the kitchen if you want it.”

“Oh, god.”

“I know it's a lot to take in, and I don't really like her. At all. I mean, at all. But it's your choice.” His dad got up from his chair and walked over to the kitchen island. He tore off the top sticky note on a pack, then came back over to hand it to Jeremy.

“I don't know if I'm ok with you spending the entire summer in Georgia, but you're old enough to choose. Could you tell me when you decide?” 

When Jeremy didn't take the note, he set it on the couch.

“Yeah,” Jeremy heard himself say.

He just sat frozen on the couch. Consumed with thoughts and worries and his mess of a brain wouldn't shut up and 

Michael took one of his hands and squeezed it.

It made his mind quiet down and heart beat become more regular. It was kind of weird how such a simple act could make him feel so much better. He squeezed back, and took the post-it note off of the arm rest with his free hand. 

“You don't even have to call her, Jeremy,” his dad told him, “but think about it. You deserve to have a mother, and I took that from you.” 

That was one of the closest things to a 'sorry about the divorce’ he had ever gotten from his dad. 

“I'll think about it,” Jeremy said. He would. He would think about it, and obsess over it, and it would consume his every waking thought until he went insane.

Michael squeezed his hand again and finally spoke. “I’ll talk it through with you and help you decide what to do. Should I ask my moms if I can stay here tonight? I'm busy from noon to four with babysitting, but I can come back ...”

“Yes, please, Michael,” his dad answered for him. “That would be helpful.”

“Ok, um.” Michael looked at the clock on the wall by all of Jeremy's baby pictures.

“Hey. I have to go. Mrs.W will be pissed if I'm late again.” He stood up and let go of Jeremy's hand. “I’ll come back later, okay?” 

Jeremy adjusted his legs, setting one of them on the floor. “Thanks, dude.”

Michael patted him on the shoulder and left through the garage door. His car rumbled out the driveway.

His dad didn't have anything more to say, so he turned on the tv. Jeremy tried to watch the news, but it was way too depressing, and he couldn't stop thinking about his mom. 

How was he supposed to spend a summer with her? She might as well have been a random lady he saw in Walmart. Could he have seen her in a Walmart before? Where did she even live? He knew it was in Georgia, but where?

Jeremy gave up the news and went to his bedroom. He laid down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, but not having anything to do just made him think more. Was his mom mean? Maybe that's why she left him? Should he even call? Why did she decide to get to know him now? He could just ignore it. 

“Ugh,” He said out loud. He was going insane. Jeremy needed a distraction. 

At the edge of his vision, he saw his laptop on his desk. There was something that would make him feel better. Watching a porno and definitely not fantasizing about what would happen when Christine woke up tomorrow morning and realized she was in love with him.

So Jeremy sat down at his desk and forgot about his mom and everything else that was wrong in the world for a couple of minutes.


	6. 6

The hours until four o'clock dragged by. Nothing could distract Jeremy from thinking about his mom. He tried to eat. That just made him spend half an hour in the bathroom, waiting for his lunch to come back up. Then he tried to bake, but he forgot the second half of the flour in his cupcakes, so he had to throw them out. Video games were also no help, because he wasn't even excited about playing the new bonus levels. Masturbation was not physically possible. And napping was definitely out.

An hour after Michael left he sat back down on his office chair and opened Instagram on his phone.

Rich had twenty slides on his story, and they were all pictures of him and Jake at some park. 

Brooke had posted an artsy picture of the pool water reflecting off of her rose-gold sunglasses. 

Lots of new posts showed up in his explore tab about gaming releases and the pride parades happening around the world. 

Nothing interested him, and if Jeremy didn't do something soon to take his mind off of this upcoming summer, he'd go insane. 

***

Two hours later, Jeremy got a Snapchat from Michael saying he was on his way with chicken nuggets and a gallon tub of Superman ice cream.

He replied sent back a picture of his wall with a caption that read, “ur the best.”

He was glad to be spending more time with his best friend, because they hadn't had a sleepover weekend in a while. That reminded him; he needed to ask Michael if he wanted to stay overnight. 

He sent him another picture of his wall and said if Michael was staying, he should probably bring some of his own clothes. 

He received an image one second later of his own house with a caption that told Jeremy to come get the door. He did, and then helped Michael sneak two 'twenty piece chicken nugget’ boxes and a gallon of ice cream past his dad, and then up to his room. 

Michael threw his backpack against the wall and got comfortable against the side of the bed.

Once settled on the carpet around the food, Jeremy asked, “Why did you get two? We don't need much food.”

“Uh… The lady heard me wrong.” He winced. “But now we have a lot of nuggets. And ice cream,” Michael added, excitedly. “And we never really are lunch.”

Jeremy lifted up the tub and stared at it, dissatisfied. “Superman?”

“It's all they had!”

“Not even vanilla?”

“Look, dude. If you don't want any…”

“No, I didn't say that! Here, look!” Jeremy peeled the lid off the ice cream, and scooped some out with his index finger.

Michael groaned, and fell back onto the floor. “That's disgusting!” 

He just licked it off his finger. “No, it's good. And you didn't get spoons, so what was I supposed to do?” Jeremy asked.

“I'll go get spoons and ketchup.” Michael sat up and left Jeremy's bedroom. He heard the kitchen silverware drawer rattle, and the squeal of the pantry hinges. Then the suction of the door on the fridge.

A moment later Michael was throwing open Jeremy's door with two spoons, a big bottle of ketchup, and a box of cheez-its in hand.

“We can just squirt the ketchup over all the nuggets, and I don't think we need plates or bowls. So now if you want one, you have to go get it.”

Jeremy took one of the spoons. “Ugh, fine. We have enough food, we don't need cheez-its.”

Michael stretched for his backpack, and snagged it by the strap. “No, they're movie snacks,” he explained, pulling a Heathers DVD out of his bag. “I brought our favorite ‘teenage angst’ movie.”

He nearly spit the chicken mush, that was currently being chewed in his mouth, into Michael's lap. “Dude. You know me so well.” He wiped his mouth with his sleeve. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For making me smile. For making me forget about this summer for a minute. And my…”

“Just doing my job,” Michael interrupted with a knowing smile. “I'll put in the movie, you get some paper for a pros and cons list.”

Jeremy had a small tv that sat on his dresser, across the room from his bed. It was mostly used for video games, but there was a small DVD player sitting beneath all of the ancient consoles. Michael had to untangle the cables set them on the ground to get the player. He earned a laugh from Jeremy when he got a green cable tied around his arm. 

Jeremy ripped a piece of paper from his math notebook and took a pencil out of the top drawer in his desk. He felt around under his bed for something hard to write on as Michael put the disk in the machine, and snagged his Chemistry book he had though he'd lost a week ago. That was good. His Chemistry teacher had told Jeremy that he would have to pay for it if he didn't find it within the month. All books had to be returned before summer vacation. The sound of the movie starting brought his mind back to reality. 

Something soft fell over his head and plunged him into darkness. Jeremy startled, almost knocking his head on the bed frame.

“Hey!”

He hadn't heard Michael climb onto his bed.  
Michael laughed and climbed down from the top of his bed. He pulled the blanket off of Jeremy's hasd. 

Jeremy complained, “You got fuzz on my nugget.” He blew on his chicken until he realized that wasn't going to work, so he picked it off with his fingers. 

“Sorry. Here, move the food.”

Jeremy lifted the boxes of chicken into the air, and decided to set them on his left, away from Michael. He moved the ketchup and Cheez-its to the chicken, but put the ice cream on his bed so he wouldn't forget to take it to the freezer later. 

When the food was out of the way, Michael scooted closer, so the blanket could fit over both of them. 

“You know I have more blankets, right,” Jeremy asked. 

“Yeah, but this one is the best.”

It was hard to argue with that logic. 

Jeremy recrossed his legs and balanced a box of nuggets on his knee that was under the blanket. Michael murmured his thanks through a mouth full of chicken, and scooted closer so his outstretched leg was under Jeremy's knee. Jeremy really wasn't a 'touchy-feely’ person, but it was nice to lean on someone for a change. 

They watched the movie until the box of food was empty and Michael threw it at his trash can. He missed, and let out a groan. 

“Ok, dude. Let's make this list.” 

Jeremy heaved the textbook and supplies onto his lap, and drew a line through the middle of the paper. He wrote Pro on the left, and con on the right. 

And then stopped. 

He had no idea what to add, except that he was terrified of making any choice at all, lest it be wrong. 

“Give it.”

Michael reached for the book, and when he wrapped his hands around the spine, their fingers brushed and Michael flinched back. It wasn't much. Not even noticeable, really. But Jeremy did notice. And it made him relive their entire weekend together in his head. 

Had he said something or done anything to make Michael uncomfortable? Maybe after last night's 'bed sharing fiasco’ and being mistakenly called a couple, hand touching was too much for Michael. 

But it could also be because of what Michael had told him earlier about hurting himself because of him and how could Jeremy do such a bad thing to make his best friend cut himself up and-

“-and maybe you could go to the beach? That would be fun, right?”

“Uh, sorry,” Jeremy replied. “I wasn't listening.”

Michael sighed. 

“Sorry.”

“I said that your mom lives by the ocean, right? Or at least kind of close. Maybe you could go to the beach if you go down there with her. That's a pro.”

“So add it to the chart,” Jeremy snarked. 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. This is crazy.” He sighed. Michael should leave and get a better friend than him. Maybe he could find someone that would leave him in a bathroom at a Halloween party. But Michael chose to stay with him, and that's all that mattered. “Thanks for dealing with me.”

“Dude, I don't deal with you. You're my best friend.”

Michael put his free arm around Jeremy's shoulders, and it did wonders for his anxiety. Maybe he had imagined that Michael had recoiled earlier. He was fine touching him now. And then he felt like an idiot for even thinking Michael could have been upset with him. They cleared everything up yesterday. They were great. Best friends again. The Best. And nothing would ever change that.

“Alright,” Jeremy said. He took a deep breath, and tried to clear his head. “Let's finish this list.”

***  
By the end of the movie, their list was complete. It looked something like…

Pros

Get to know mother  
Beach  
Get away from here  
Don't know anyone there/ fresh start  
New friends?  
Get away from dad  
Mom has money = big house?

Cons

Get to know mother  
No Michael   
Beach = sharks  
Mom could be an ass  
Recipe for anxiety and panic attacks   
No Michael 

Ok, so it wasn't a very good list, but it was better than nothing. Anyway, it helped him to unscramble the mess in his head. 

By about the middle of the movie both of the boys had moved so they were sitting cross-legged on the edge of Jeremy’s bed. His bed was smaller than Michaels’s. It was only a twin, so his knee rested on Michael’s.

Jeremy sighed. “I wish I could take you with me.”

“If you decide to go, I might be able to convince my moms to let me visit for a week or two. I’ve never been out of the state.”

He knew. Whenever they talked about traveling anywhere that was more than an hour away, Michael never failed to complain about that certain fact. He said so out loud, and then suggested they read through the chart again. Michael agreed that it was probably a good idea.

“So… The pros,” his best friend read, “Getting to know the mom.”

Michael nodded. He shifted so he was facing Jeremy on the bed.

“That's a big one,” Jeremy replied. “I don't even know… like… if I even want to meet her.”

“Why not? Hey, stop that.”

Jeremy looked down and realized he was picking at his cuticles. The skin on his middle finger was starting to well with blood. He put it in his mouth and Michael scrunched up his face. He wiped his hand on his jeans.

To answer Michael's question, he replied, “What if she's a bad person? I mean, she did leave my dad.”

“You're dad's kind of a loser.”

“True.”

“And she could be the sweetest, best mom ever. You deserve some to help you with mom stuff”

“If she was the best mom ever she wouldn't have left. And I have your moms to help me with mom stuff. ” Jeremy could feel the backs of his eyes starting to burn so he said, “Ok, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Next is the beach.” 

He really didn't want to cry in front of Michael again. He knew it wasn't a big deal, and though the years they had seen each other at the very worst, it just made him self-conscious and Michael was the one person he could be himself completely around. 

He didn't even know why he was upset. This was supposed to be exciting, but all he could think about was ‘what if she's not a good person and what if I'm going to grow up to be like her.’

“The beach,” Michael repeated, because he knew Jeremy was listening. “The ocean.”

“Yep. Georgia.”

“That's good, right? You could swim every day. And if you don't like your mom you could get on a boat and sail to China.”

He laughed out loud at the pure ridiculousness of the concept. If only he could sail away from all of his problems. 

“Yeah, as if.”

“Moving on then. Next is ‘getting away from here.’ Does that fit in with leaving me?”

“I could never leave you, Micha,” Jeremy said. “You're my favowite person.”

Michael turned red and looked down at his lap, as he softly smiled to himself. “I better be. We've been inseparable for, let's see, going on thirteen years now.”

“Of course. And you said you would come visit me if I go, right? We could go to the beach together. I can't go a whole summer without you.”

Michael opened his mouth to speak, but then changed his mind. Instead of whatever he was about to say before he yelled, “Yeah, and swim with the sharks!”

“What? No! Absolutely not!” Jeremy cried out. He had had an irrational fear of sharks since he was a wee lad. There was really no explanation for it.

Michael laughed, looked at his expression and grinned. “Oh my God, your face!” 

Jeremy was sure his face was bright red because of how much happiness Michael was looking at him with. His best friend's face was filled with pure joy, and in that moment he realized how lucky he was to have someone like Michael. Even after how much Jeremy had hurt him and how much pain he had caused, Michael was still here. It was an incredible feeling. He didn't deserve Michael, but he was too selfish to tell him that. For the first time in a long time, he didn't want anything to change. 

Michael said, “You could make new friends.”

There was something about the way he said it, that made Jeremy sad. He didn't need new friends. He had the best one right here with him. 

“We just went through this. I have you. End of discussion.” He added, “Also, I'm too nervous to approach new kids.”

“You'd be fine. Alright. Cons now?”

“Again, my mom could be a terrible person. She might run a child trafficking ring. Or dog fighting? What if she does drugs?” 

And then everything that had been spinning in his head for hours came pouring out of his mouth.

“What if she's abusive? Maybe she hit my dad? She could have been in prison and that's why she went away. Do you think she kill-”

Michael interrupted him. “Dude, stop! She's definitely not running and child trafficking ring. And we do drugs.”

Oh, yeah.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. And I don't think she was in prison. You Googled her earlier, right?”

Jeremt mentally smacked himself. How could we have forgotten to do that? Google was the first thing to do when you needed to know someone. He guessed he could have used one of those sketchy websites, but he didn't have any money.

“No.”

“Dude,” Michael said, getting up from the bed to get Jeremy's laptop. “How could you forget to Google her?”

“I've had a lot on my mind!”

“Fair enough.”

Michael settled back on the bed next to Jeremy so they would both be able to see the screen. He started to open his laptop, and all of Jeremy's internal organs lurched. He had forgotten to close out of the porn website.

He cried, “Wait!” But it was too late. The laptop was open and his porno was there, right out in front front for Michael to see. The only upside? It wasn't kinky. 

They froze, staring at the naked woman with her legs spread for the camera.

“Umm…”

Jeremy grabbed his laptop and quickly X'ed out of the page. His cheeks were on fire.

“Hey, dude,” Michael said, reassuringly. “It's fine. We all do it. But straight porno, really?”

He groaned and squoze his eyes shut tight. He felt Michael take the laptop back, and then give him a friendly shoulder shove. “It's good, man. What's your mom's full name?”

He opened his eyes, hoping Michael wasn't looking at him. He wasn't. Instead, Michael was intently staring at the Google search engine. He really didn't deserve to have this person as best friend. He was such a loser, and Michael was an angel. 

“Nicole Rose Heere. I don't know her last name before she married my dad. Or Robert's last name. But they're divorced now so honestly, who knows? I can ask my dad.”

“That is the whitest white name I've ever heard. Is she tall and blonde?”

“Yeah, actually.”

Michael shook his head. “Ok, I need all the last names that she's ever had. Go bother your dad.”

Jeremy had to drag himself out of his position on the bed. He hadn't moved in over an hour and his left leg was way past the feeling of numbness. 

“Oh hey, take the ice cream.”

The ice cream wasn't really ice cream anymore, but he picked up the tub. 

His dad was in the kitchen, scrolling on his phone. He stumbled toward him. Jeremy turned on his 'approach with caution’ mode. 

“Hey, dad.” He put the ice cream in the freezer.

“Hey, son.”

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Sure.” His dad didn't look up from his phone, but now he was typing. 

“What was my mom's name before you guys got married?” he asked.

“Her maiden name? Hughes. Google, huh, Private?”

“Uh, yeah. And what is Robert's name?” 

“Green.”

“Alright, thanks.”

“Yup,” he said, still on his phone.

Jeremy went back to his room. Michael was in the same spot as when he had left, criss-cross applesauce on the end of his tiny bed. Jeremy crawled up next to him, and leaned their shoulders together. Michael was on the Facebook website, looking at every Nicole in South Georgia.

“Try Niki. And all of her last names are as follows: Hughes, Heere, Green.”

He typed into the computer while Jeremy listed off the last names.

“Oh! Here's a Niki Hughes in Dillen*, Georgia. She's blonde and looks tall in the picture. Here.” He swiveled the laptop on his legs so Jeremy could see the photo clearly. 

On the screen was a tall, middle aged, blonde woman with the same exact nose that was currently on his face. She was smiling at the camera, like the person behind it was her whole world. 

In the background water was crashing against a wooden dock, and a blurry man was fishing. The clouds were stormy, but it brought out her eyes and somehow tied the picture together. Her shirt was a vibrant green that was familiar and not at the same time.

“Well,” Michael said. “She doesn't look like someone who traffics children in her spare time.” 

And she didn't. She looked like his mother in all of the few photos he had. 

And Jeremy knew instantly that he needed to meet her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I made that up (I think?) 
> 
> -Also sorry it took forever and for any mistakes. 
> 
> -This is random (and doesn't have anything to do with this story I swear) but can you imagine Michael singing The Goodbye Song to Jeremy after he killed himself, kind of like the "ghost whizzer" concept? Or maybe The Goodbye Song would be his suicide note??? Idk its just really sad to think about.


	7. 7

Michael wasn't allowed to sleep over at the Heere's because it was a school night. He called his mom and begged for a few more hours with Jeremy, but she wouldn't give in. Apparently he needed to get enough sleep to bring up his math grade. Michael didn't really know how the two were connected, but he gave in and drove home. 

Jeremy still hadn't told him what he had decided to do about this summer, although Michael had the sneaking suspicion that he was going to go. 

He knew Jeremy from the inside out, and that boy would never pass up a chance to see his mom again, no matter how much it scared him.

He knew that Jeremy was a very anxious person and would run through a billion things that could go wrong, but this was his mom. Sometimes, during their late night venting sessions, Jeremy would let slip that he was mad at her. 

He had told Michael that he was mad that she left without even saying goodbye. One night he went to sleep, and she wasn't there to make him breakfast the following morning.   
Her purple suitcase wasn't in the attic anymore, and the red Ford Focus was gone. 

Michael knew that not having a mom had hit Jeremy hard, but he tried to make him feel better by telling his own moms to 'adopt’ his friend. A mom was supposed to be the constant womanly comfort and support that was always there for you, and Jeremy didn't really have that. 

In a way, Michael was kind of like Jeremy’s mom. He was always ready to lend a shoulder to cry on, and when they were little he used to kiss all of Jeremy's injuries. That had stopped when they hit the third grade, but the instinct to make everything alright never went away. 

You know, it was probably weird that he thought of himself as Jeremy's mother figure, he thought to himself. Especially since he was completely smitten with the boy.

He wasn't ready to give Jeremy up, even if it was a ridiculous thought. He wanted to be the shoulder to cry on, not Nicole Rose Hughes. And he wanted to be Jeremy's source of healing hugs that made everything alright. Even though those were happening less recently. He missed the hugs. 

He told himself he was being stupid. He wasn't in control of Jeremy at all. His best friend could do whatever he wanted. He could completely ditch him again, and still, Michael would do anything to ensure his safety. 

Did that mean he actually loved him? He said he loved Jeremy to himself sometimes, but Michael could never figure out when and where he crossed that line from 'like’ to 'love.’

He needed to sleep. He needed to stop thinking about Jeremy. But he couldn't.

“Ugh.” Michael turned over in his bed. It was almost two o'clock in the morning, and he was still thinking about his crush. Jeremy was probably awake, working about his mom. He decided to send a text to check if he was up. 

Michael squinted when his phone lit up. Why did he have to leave brightness up all the way. He called mentally cursed himself while typing out the message.

Me: are u still up?

He dropped his phone on his chest, staring up at the ceiling. God, he was such a hopeless, stupidly in love, loser. His phone vibrated

PlayerTwo: yeah

Well, that was easy. 

Me: worrying about it mom?

PlayerTwo: yeah

Me: It'll be fine. Go to sleep 

PlayerTwo: you go to sleep

Me: ok, gnite. 

PlayerTwo: goodnight. Love you Mikey. You need to stop worrying to

Michael's breath caught. He knew that Jeremy loved him. They said it to each other sometimes, when the other needed something to make them feel better. But still… Every time Jeremy said that be loved him, Michael let himself pretend he meant it in a ‘not friend’ way. 

Me: aww you love me

PlayerTwo: yesh I do now go to sleep 

Me: ok

Michael set his phone back on his dresser and closed his eyes. He would have to pass out eventually, and pining wasn't speeding up the process.

***

The morning drive to school with Jeremy was enough to get him motivated most days. Thinking about singing at the top of their lungs to Bob Marley on the way to school got him to climb out of bed.

Michael ate a quick bowl of corn flakes with strawberry milk, and grabbed his car keys out of the bowl in the kitchen. He could comb his hair in the car.

Before he was able to leave the house, Mama grabbed his arm and planted a kiss on his forehead. Michael wiped it off with his sleeve. 

“You got spit on me,” he complained. 

Mama ignored him. “Too bad. Have a good day at school. I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah, love you too.”

He quickly hopped into his car and pulled out of the driveway, headed to pick up Jeremy. They only lived a few minutes apart, driving time. When he got to Jeremy's house, he was waiting on the porch, petting the neighbor's cat. Michael honked twice and Jeremy got up. 

“So, ready for this week of hell?” Michael asked as Jeremy slid into the passenger seat.

Jeremy grumbled something along the lines of, “I’d rather die,” and they started to drive.

“Dude. We only have a few weeks left until summer vacation. Then you go to your mom's.”

“I haven't actually decided yet,” Jeremy said. “Oh! I had an idea, though.”

“And?” Michael prompted. “Was this last night when I texted you?”

Jeremy ignored his question. “What if we go and meet her halfway, just to see if she's ok? Like we could go and have lunch in Virginia, or something. That's about half way. And that way you and I could go on a road trip.”

Michael thought for a second. A road trip with Jeremy? 

“That's a great idea! Did you ask your dad?”

“No, not yet. But I'm sure he'll be fine, as long as you're with me, right?”

“Probably.”

“He would have to call her to arrange it. We would have to pick a spot. And time. Maybe we could go this weekend!”

Michael made a left turn.

“Wow,” he commented. “You're really pumped about this.”

“You're not? You could leave the state, Micha!” Jeremy got quiet. “You will come, right?”

Leaving the state was a bonus. Michael had never left New Jersey before. It was driving him insane.

“It sounds amazing. And I'm never busy, so of course I'll go with you. We always wanted to go on a road trip, just the two of us. How far is it halfway?”

This was amazing. Hours alone in a car with his best friend/cush. They could play music and sing as loud as loud as they wanted and eat junk food for breakfast. Maybe Michael could even work up the nerve to-

Nope nope nope nope nope.

Leave that alone, Michael brain. If you get that idea in your head, eventually you'll do it, and it won't end well.

Because they were pulling into the school parking lot, Jeremy grabbed his backpack from the floor of the car and put it on his lap. 

“I have no idea. I need to ask my dad to call her and schedule lunch first, before we can even think about the trip. And, I have to ask him if I can go.”

“Nice.” He parked the car in his usual spot, and turned off the engine. 

“Yay,” Jeremy said sarcastically. “I can't wait for this week. And now I have so much more to worry about.”

Michael got out of the car, and Jeremy followed him up to the building. “Yeah, but think of how much fun we're going to have. Whenever you get anxious just make a list of things we can do, ok?”

“Yeah, ok.”

There were kids getting dropped off by their parents and even more kids unloading from the busses. When they shoved their way into the school, it was a long trek to Jeremy's locker. They both used his. It was just easier, because they had the same homeroom. 

Down the hall were the members of their usual lunch table, Rich, Jake, Chloe, Brooke, Jenna, and sometimes Christine, standing in a circle blocking the flow of traffic. He hated it when huge groups did that. He could hear them laughing. Normally they might walk.over and join them, but today they were running late.

Jeremy tossed his lunch onto the top shelf, where Michael's headphones were sitting. He pulled them out and wrapped them around his neck. He'd accidentally left them in the school over the weekend, and it was a relief to feel the foliar weight on his neck. He closed their locker and pulled his phone out of his hoodie pocket to check the time.

“Oh, crap. We have to go,” he told Jeremy, and they went to their first-hour class. 

***  
Overall, school was average. There weren't any huge fights, no lockdowns, and only one fire drill. He had a math test that he thought he did OK on, and was assigned another English class essay. He would work on that later. 

Lunch was awkward. Jeremy and Christine sat on opposite sides of the table, Jeremy tried his best to not make eye contact while Christine remained her usual friendly self.

After school, they normally met by Michael's car, so he could take them back to one of their houses. Today, they decided on Jeremy's, because he wanted to ask his dad to arrange the road trip, and it might be easier with two of them there, persuading him.

On the ride back to Jeremy's house, they came up with strategies to get his dad to say yes to the road trip. They would bring up Jeremy's mom into the conversation, then casually mention that maybe Jer wanted to meet her before this summer. Michael would suggest a lunch meet-up, and it would go from there.

When they got home, they could see Jeremy's dad cooking mac and cheese on the stove from the doorway. Both the boys threw their backpacks full of new homework by the door. There were hooks, but they never used them.

“Hey dad,” Jeremy said. “How was your day?”

Michael mentally stuffed his best friend into a garbage can. He never asked how his dad's day was going. Now Mr. Where would know something was up, or that the boys needed a favor. There went their carefully thought out plan.

Michael's suspicions were confirmed when Jeremy's dad replied, “What do you need me to do for you, son? Money? Did you smash your phone?” Mr. Heere turned off the stove.

“Can you call my mom and ask if we can meet her before the summer? I need to meet her before I decide if I want to live with her for a few months.”

Michael would have smacked him, if he wasn't so goddamn cure.

Jeremy's dad grunted. 

“Please?” Michael asked. “We thought we could take a road trip and meet in the middle and have lunch.”

Mr. Heere opened a cabinet and got out three plates. “I see you guys have planned this out.”

“Dad, please,” Jeremy begged. “I want to meet her before the summer. To make sure she doesn't traffic children or organize dog fights.”

Mr. Heere gave him a funny look. “She’s not that bad, Private. She's just a manipulative, scheming, evil little-”

“Uh… Mr. Heere?” Michael interrupted. “We've always wanted to go on a road trip together. And you wouldn't have to see her at all. Just one phone call.” He gave his best 'innocent angel who has never done anything wrong in his life’ look. 

Mr. Heere just handed them both a plate of mac and cheese.

“Dad.”

Jeremy's dad sighed, and Michael could see the moment he gave in. “Fine, I'll call tonight. What do I say, again?”

Jeremy beamed, and Michael couldn't blame him for looking so happy. They were going to get to go on a road trip to meet his mom. It was a dream come true for Jeremy.

“Ask if we can meet someone Virginia for lunch soon. So I can decide if I want to go live with her for a few months.” He added, “Please.”

“Alright, now leave me alone.”

“Yes. Thank you. Bye. Love you.” Jeremy's words came out in a rush. He pulled Michael into the living room by his free hand.

This was not the first time they had held hands this week, but Michael's heart still lurched. They sat down on the couch, and dug into their food.

A few minutes later Michael said, “I need to get home. I have a lot of homework, and we won't get it done together.” As much as he wanted to stay, his mom's definitely would let him go if his math grade.was below a “D.”

Jeremy took his almost empty plate. “Yeah. I won't be able to think about anything but the road trip when you're here. Did I mention we get to go on a road trip?!” he said, bouncing up and down on the couch. He smacked Michael's arm. 

Michael laughed and stood up to go home. Jeremy was definitely the cutest thing in the entire universe


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little flashback

Michael cracked his eyes open and looked at the shadows on his closet door being projected from his ceiling fan. Why was he awake? His Cars 2 alarm clock said that it was only one AM. He didn’t have to get out of bed for another six hours.

Clink.

Oh. That’s why he was awake. For some reason, rocks were being launched at his window. For a second he thought that maybe the birds had learned to throw, but then Michael realized that birds didn’t have hands. But they had legs. Could they pick up rock with their feet?

Clink.

Michael was tired, and wasn’t going back to sleep anytime soon if the birds needed him. He figured he’d better go see what they needed, so he pulled himself out of his bed. What if he was the next big superhero?

On the way to the window he tripped over a paper volcano he and his best friend had been making for a summer science fair project. He was relieved he didn’t crush it with his elephant feet. 

If it hadn't been one in the morning, Michael might have been more scared to see what was outside his window, but he was tired and his eyelids were about to close. He pulled back the curtain and looked down at the ground. 

A dark blob slowly came into focus. When his eyes adjusted to the darkness outside, he saw crazy brown hair on the top of a skinny, tall, weird looking kid. It was Jeremy, his best friend. Jeremy threw another rock. 

Michael slid open the window, trying to be quiet so his mom wouldn't hear. 

“What are you doing,” he hissed. “We have school tomorrow!”

Jeremy had bent down to pick up another handful of pebbles, and he froze mid-reach. Michael couldn't see too well from the second story, be his mouth moved. The only logical explanation was that Jeremy was talking to him. 

“Heh?” Michael asked.

“Come down,” Jeremy half yelled. 

“What? Why?”

“Come on!”

“You're insane!” Michael whispered back. "And stop yelling, you'll wake up my moms."

“Please.” Jeremy laced his fingers together shook his hands like he was begging. 

Michael groaned. Jeremy only came to get him when he was having a rough anxiety day, or something else was wrong. Anyway, Michael wasn't about to leave his best friend hanging. 

Jeremy would come outside for him.

"I'll be right down," he whispered.

He slowly shut his window, and grabbed a hoodie off of his chair. He had worn it yesterday, but it didn't really matter. The hardest part about getting out of the house was going past his mom's room quietly enough, but he seemed to do ok. When he closed the front door behind him it creaked and Michael's heart almost left his body.

“Grab your bike,” Jeremy told him. He was already on his, and his helmet was buckled. 

Michael didn't ask questions, he just took orders. He pulled his bike from the shed and hopped on. “Where to?”

“It's a surprise.”

Jeremy took off out of the driveway. 

They peddled for a while. Jeremy took mostly dirt roads that twisted and curved along the river, and Michael had no choice but to follow him. They didn't talk except for the occasional ”wait up” and “watch out.”

Jeremy only slowed down when they got to the town's biggest hill. They were about three miles from Michael's house, and his legs were burning. The hill was really only visited during the winter and on snow days, because parents needed their kids out of the house. In the winter, when the snow would build up, this hill was like heaven for his sixth grade class.

But now, in the middle of August, it was green, solid and only a little crunchy at the bottom. 

“Why are we here?” Michael decided to ask, putting down his kickstand. 

Jeremy answered bluntly. “Because summer is almost over.”

“So?”

“So we are going into seventh grade. We won't have time to mess around anymore. We'll be in middle school and have lots of homework. Come on.”

He started to climb, and Michael followed in his footsteps. 

Michael normally hated the hill because it brought back memories of going really fast on sleds and not being able to control where he was going. But he was with Jeremy and there wasn't any snow, and he knew that his best friend would never make him roll down the hill if he didn't want to.

They reached the top shortly later and Jeremy flopped backwards onto the ground, so Michael sat down criss-cross next to him. 

After a moment Jeremy said, "I have to tell you something."

He sounded nervous so Michael replied, "You can tell me anything, Jeremy." He scooted closer to him, so if Jeremy needed a hug he would be right there.

"My...my mom's leaving."

"Huh? Like on a trip?"

"No," Jeremy said. "For forever." His voice cracked on the last word and Michael decided that he was going to give him a hug even if he didn't need it. Although he knew he did. 

"Are they getting divorced, then?" He pulled Jeremy up so he was leaning against his side and Michael could put his arm around him. 

"Yeah," Jeremy whispered. "My mom said I could go with her if I wanted."

Michael was suddenly terrified. When Jeremy pulled him to the hill he knew something was wrong. But he didn't know it was this bad.

"I think you should do what you want to," Michael offered.

Jeremy chuckled. "Thanks."

"No, I mean-"

"I know what you mean."

"Don't stay because of me. Or because of anyone else. But if you want to go with your mom, you should. It could be an adventure, right?"

"I guess," he sighed. 

"But don't mess up your whole life because of me. Please," Michael said. 

Jeremy leaned into him. "I already told them I was staying. I don't want my life to flip upside down." He paused for a moment. "And I told my mom I couldn't leave my best friend."

Michael wrapped both arms around the other boy now. He rested his forehead on Jeremy's shoulder, hoping that he would see how watery Michael's eyes got. 

People were always leaving him or making fun of him. And now the only person who had never hurt him was staying with his least favorite parent, just to stay with him. 

"You don't have to," Michael offered. "You'd have fun with you mom. Make more friends. You don't need me."

"Yes I do, Micha," Jeremy replied. Finally he hugged Michael back properly. "I promise, I'll never leave you."

"Thanks Jer." 

With his nose now in Jeremy's shirt, Michael realized how good Jeremy smelled. His heart started to beat faster.


End file.
